Friday, June 13, 2008

Self Portrait

I gaze into the mirror
And my frustration grows:
Here's a legend in our time
Whom nobody else knows.

Arnold J. Zarett.


My mom brought home a violin
so I could learn to play.
She told me if I practiced hard
I'd play it well someday.

Without a single lesson,
I tried to play a song.
My fiddle squeaked, my fiddle squawked.
The notes came out all wrong.

My little brother fled the room.
Mom covered up her ears.
My puppy dog began to howl.
My sister was in tears.

My dad pulled out his wallet.
He handed me a ten.
He made me swear I'd never play
that violin again.


The ultimate compliment

John Byron to his friend John Hobhouse.

To one whom I have known long and accompanied far, whom I have found watchful over my sickness, and kind in my sorrow, glad in my prosperity and firm in my adversity, true in counsel and trust in peril - to a friend often tried and never found wanting.


My candle burns at both ends
It will not last the night;
But ah my foes, and oh my friends
It gives a lovely light.


The Empathy Challenged.

Most of us, to the pain of others
Are not well attuned.
As shakespeare said, " He jests at scars
Who never felt a wound."

George O. Ludcke.

The only one who knows.

Susie done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, "Susie gal'
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' half brother."

So Susie put aside her Joe
and planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, " There's trouble still..

" You cain't marry Will, my gal;
And please don't tell your Mother,
But Will and Joe and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother."

But Mama knew and said, " My child,
Just do what makes you happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe,
You ain't no kin to pappy."


Just for Kicks.

"Give us a sense of humor, Give us the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life and pass it on to other folk."

Author Unknown.*

From " Stop me if you've heard this. " By Jim Holt.

"Jesus wept but did he laugh? .. I do not recall much laughter in the Gospels. "The total absence of humor from the Bible," Alfred North Whitehead once observed, " is one of the most singular things in all literature."

Isaac Newton is reported to have laughed precisely once in his life - when someone asked him what use he saw in Euclid's Elements.

Other reputed agelasts ( ones who never laugh ) include Jonathan Swift, William Gladstone, Margaret Thatcher, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg."

Like love... laughter bridges the realms of the mental and the physical. " says Max Beerbohm in his 1920 essay " Laughter

"Laughter is like jogging on the inside. It's good for you. So laugh and let it infect every one around you."

Friends let not our lives become so sterile and savorless that even laughter will decide to leave us.

Where there is laughter there is always more health than sickness. Phyllis Bottome.

The simple truth is that happy people generally don't get sick. Bernie S. Siegel M.D.

Do not go about everyday like that ant under the load of a matchstick.

Even gorillas chuckle when tickled. So flash that friendly radiance of your unique smile.

Smart man + Smart woman = Romance
Smart man + Dumb woman = Affair
Dumb man + Smart woman = Marriage
Dumb man + Dumb woman = Pregnancy

srong> **


When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session,

"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

Three friends died and went to heaven. The first friend, Sarah, was the first one to go into the pearly gates and meet "God".

"Hello Sarah, it is so nice to see you here" God said to her. "Please make yourself at home and do whatever you want. Slide down the rainbows, sleep on the clouds, just have fun. BUT DON'T Step on the ducks" God said. "We love and cherish ducks here".

So, Sarah goes on her merry way and enjoys herself. Until OPPS! She steps on a duck. Suddenly the ugliest, most hideous man pops up and Sarah realized she must spend the rest of her life with him.

Next, Olivia goes into the pearly gates and God tells her the same thing. "Do whatever you want, just DON'T step on the ducks". So, Olivia goes on her way and OPPS! She steps on a duck. And she, too has to spend the rest of her life with a ugly, hideous man.

The last friend, Jenn, goes to meet and God and he tells her the same thing. "DON'T STEP on the ducks".

Finally, a few weeks lateer, Olivia and Sarah are with their ugly men and they run into Jenn. And Jenn is with the most gorgeous guy that anyone had seen.
"How did you get so lucky and have such a hot guy"? Sarah asked her.

And the gorgeous guy looks up and says "I stepped on a Duck"!


The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder.

" Well " said her husband to the shaken pastor when it ended,

" She's There alright "


A native Indian visited his sick cousin. The following conversation took place.

Cousin: " How feel?"

Patient: " URGH"

Cousin: " Good night sleep?"

Patient: "URGH"

Cousin: "How nurse treat you.?"

Patient: "URGH- URGH- URGH.

Cousin: I ask simple question - don't make long speech."


On a safari, a young husband, beset by a tyrannical mother-in-law was roused in the night by his wife. " Hurry" she implored. " A tiger just crept into Mother's tent."

" Sorry, " said the husband, turning over, " that tiger will have to look after himself."


To make a long story short, there's nothing like having the boss walk in.


The boss asked a job seeker: " I see by your application that you've been fired from every job you've had."

The applicant said: " Yes, but that just proves one thing. I'm no quitter."


The teacher says, " Why ya late?"

Kid says, " Had a take a heifer down - get 'er bred."

Teacher says, " Couldn't your ol' man do it."

Kid says, " Sure he could, but not as good as the bull."

From John Steinbeck's " Grapes of Wrath"


A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail.

The snail says, " What the hell was that all about?"


My wife thinks I'm too nosy. At least that's what she keeps scribbling in her diary.


An elephant and a mouse are talking philosophy. " Why is it " says the elephant, that although we both are God's creatures, with souls of equal worth, I am so huge and strong and magnificent, yet you are so tiny, puny and gray?

" Well " says the mouse, " I've been ill, haven't I ?"


I hated my last boss. He asked, " Why are you two hours late?"

I said, " I fell downstairs."

He said, " That doesn't take two hours."

Johnny Carson.


A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

" Why didn't you put your hand up ?" he asked the tenth man

"Too much trouble" came the reply.


A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, " Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks, he's a chicken.

The doctor says, " Why don't you turn him in?"

The guy says, " We would. But we need the eggs."


Not to long ago a recent high-school graduate applied for a job as a secretary with a large advertising agency.

When she was asked what salary she was seeking, she replied she wanted $ 400.00 a week.

Needless to say, the prospective employer was more than slightly amazed.

" After all" he noted, " You have no experience."

" That " she said , " is exactly why I want such a large salary. It's harder when you have no experience."


The young man had gone out for the football team as if he couldn't miss, but he was in truth a very sorry prospect. The football coach couldn't resist asking him : " Who ever told you that you were a football player?

" Well, when I was born " spoke up the young man brightly, " my father took one look at me and said, " This is the end."


A fellow walked up and down the corridor of the courthouse. Asked by an acquaintance what he was doing there, he replied, " I'm a witness."

" In what trial?"

" I don't know yet- you can't tell what cases are liable to come up."


Norbert Wiener was very absent-minded. When they moved from Cambridge to Newton; his wife was certain that he would forget that they had moved. So she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to him. In the course of the day, he threw the paper away. As he went home (to the old address in Cambridge, of course),he realized that they had moved, and that the piece of paper with the address was long gone. There was a young girl on the steps and he thought of asking her, saying, "Excuse me young lady, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Wiener and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the young girl replied, "Yes Daddy... mommy said this would happen.."


A bum was stopped by a cop in front of the UN building because he was approaching delegates and asking them for handouts.

" Beat it " said the cop, " before I lock you up for begging."

" Who's begging? " said the bum. "I'm only trying to get back some of the dough we've given these guys."


During an air raid in London during World War 11, a street patrol warden ran up to the opening of a public shelter and called down,

" Are there any expectant mothers in there?"

" Don't think so," a feminine voice called back, " we've only been down here a few minutes."


In a London train compartment a gentleman removed a cigar from his pocket. " Excuse me, madam," he said addressing himself to a little old lady.

" May I smoke?"

" Do exactly " said the lady, " what you would do at home."

" All right " sighed the gentleman, and sadly put the cigar back into his breast pocket.


A businessman hired an English secretary for his New York office just before taking off on a business trip to Great Britain.

After he had left, as associate in San Francisco telephoned him, and the English girl asked if the caller would speak with some one else, since the boss was in the United Kingdom.

There was a long pause on the other end of the line.

" This is terrible." the man finally blurted. " Is it too late to send flowers?"


A man attending his son's graduation noticed the procession was arranged according to height, with the shortest yougnsters up front. However, the first kid in line was one of the tallest. He asked a student why they had put the tall kid first. Was he president of the class?

"No" said the girl he asked. " He pinches."


" Sweetheart," asked the newly wed, " will you love me just as much when I grow old and fat?"

" I don't know " said the husband. " I promised to you for better or worse, but not through thick and thin"


" I don't want to frighten you " Seth said to his teacher, a comely blonde, " but dad says if I don't get a better report card, somebody's gonna get a good spanking" :-)))


The couple was preparing to make a call. As they stepped from their apartment into the hall, the husband, turning to see if the door was closed, caught a glimpse of his wife.

" My God, " he gasped. " What have you got on, a nightie?"

" It is," replied the wife calmly, " and now that you've noticed what I'm wearing, I'll go back and put on a dress."


Two English boys were bitter enemies. One became an admiral; the other a bishop.

Years later they met on a London railroad platform. The bishop, who had grown fat, swept up to the admiral, resplendent in his glittering uniform, and said,

" Station master, from which platform does the 10.15 leave for Oxford?"

The admiral promptly replied,

" Platform five, madam, but in your condition should you be traveling?"


A man walking along aimlessly in the wee hours of the morning was finally taken in tow by a policeman.

" What's the idea walking the streets like this?" he demanded. " I want an explanation and I want it quick."

" Officer," replied the dejected-looking man gloomily, " if I had an explanation, I'd have gone home to my wife."


A Swede and a Finn went into a bar early one evening and started drinking. Not one word was spoken as they guzzled drink after drink.

At 3 A.M. the Swede lifted his glass above his head and said, " Skoal ."

" Quiet " shouted the Finn, " did you come here to talk or drink. "


The suspicious mother was becoming really concerned about her daughter's continuing interest in an older man. One day she got down to brass tacks.

"Nancy" she admonished, " just exactly what are this man's intentions."

" Well " replied Nancy blushing, " he's been keeping me pretty much in the dark."


At a country- club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but was taken a bit back by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

" Look," she said. " We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing of each other."

" You're wrong," the young man declared. " For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."


90% of Fords are still on the road. The other 10% made it home.


A jet plane encountered severe turbulence in a thunderstorm. A lady appealed to the minister seated beside her.

" Please, " she said, " I'm sure we're going to crash. Can't you do something to save us.?"

"I'm sorry Madam," he replied, " but there isn't much I can do. I'm in sales, not management."


A businessman said he gives his employees extra vacations: " It's the easiest way to find out which ones I can do without."

*A young mother was talking with a much older woman about the arrangement worked out with her husband for feeding the baby in the wee hours.

" And in your family who got up to feed the baby at night ? " she asked.

" Well, " was the reply, " It certainly wasn't my husband. You see, young lady, we didn't have formulas then."


The doctor knocked at the door of Room 612 at the Medical Center.

" Come in," answered a sweet voice.

The doctor entered. There in bed was a young lass whose looks matched her voice. " I've come to examine you " said the medic.

Blushing shyly, the cutie allowed him to make his thorough examination. When he had finished, the little doll stared thoughtfully at the pill pusher.

" Doctor," she said," would you answer one question to satisfy my curiosity?"

" Of course " said the saw bones gallantly.

" Tell me, Doctor - why did you even bother to knock?"


First bum: " Say, I know a rich girl who wants to get married. Take a bath and you can win her.

Second bum: " Yes, but suppose I take a bath and then she won't marry me, WHAT THEN?


It was the beginning of a beautiful spring week-end, so the wife decided she would lay down the law immediately. " Listen," she told her husband at breakfast, " don't think you're going to run off and play golf and leave me here with all the work."

" Golf is the furthest thing from my mind," the husband protested. " And will you please pass me the putter."


Boss: " Who told you you could neglect your office duties just because I give you a little kiss now and then?

Secretary: " Our attorney."


After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in New Jersey to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?" Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecta except for da train ride down." "Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni. "Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta da vino, soma nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip." "Everyting wasa Okey Dokey till we getta hungry and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore comea by, waga his finger at us anda say, 'No eat indisa car. Musta use da dining car.' "So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to a dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of vino. Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use da cluba car.'" "So, we go to da cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.'" "We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar." "Then my beautiful Virginia anda me, we go to a sleeper car anda we go to bed. We just about to go badaboom and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting ata da top of his a voice...

'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!'"


These three scientists decided to go fishing one day. So they packed up all of their gear and headed down to the lake.
They were having terrible luck, they weren't catching a thing. But all of a sudden, one of the scientists feels a pull at his line. He shouts out, "I got something, I got something!"
So he reels his catch in and much to his surprise, it's a Mermaid. She tells the scientists, "If you let me go, I will grant you each one wish." Well they think that's a pretty good deal, so they agree.
The first scientist, the one who caught the Mermaid, tells her, "I want you to double my IQ." The Mermaid says, no problem. Snaps her fingers, and suddenly he's solving all of these problems they had been working on for months.
So the next scientist thinks that's pretty neat, so he tells the Mermaid, "I want you to tripple my IQ." So the Mermaid says, "No problem." snaps her fingers once again, and now this scientist is finding cures for AIDS and Cancer.
So the last scientist is really excited about all of this. He tells the Mermaid, "I want you to quadruple my IQ."
The Mermaid looks at him and says, "Are you sure about this? I'm not so sure you want to do that." But the scientist is stubborn and tells her, "You granted the other guys wishes, now grant mine or we're not letting you go."

So the Mermaid sighs and says, "Whatever you want." She snaps her fingers and the scientist turned into a woman

"I need a vacation" exclaimed the pretty cashier. "I'm not looking my best."

" Nonsense" replied her boss.

" It isn't nonsense," answered the pretty young miss, " the men are beginning to count their change."


A farmer who went to a large city to see the lights, engaged a room at a hotel and before retiring asked the clerk about the time for meals.

"We have breakfast from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3 and supper fro 6 to 8" explained the clerk.

" look here," inquired the farmer in surprise, " when am I goin' to get time to see the town?"


The ( absent minded ) biology professor peered at his class and said, " the time has come for us to dissect a frog. I have one in my pocket for this experiment." He took a crumpled paper rag out of his pocket and extracted from it a tired-looking cheese sandwich. The professor trembled visibly. " Goodness me, I distinctly remember eating my lunch."


A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.
'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'
A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'


Robert went to his lawyer and said, 'I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it.' The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied, 'Not a problem, leave it all to me.'
Robert looked somewhat upset and said, 'Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!'


A policeman spotted a jay walker and decided to challenge him, 'Why are you trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only 20 metres away?'
'Well,' replied the jay walker, 'I hope it's having better luck than me.'


Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.
Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'
The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.


Windy Tale?
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it? 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' The third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'


An elderly couple is getting ready for bed. She says Oh I am just so hungry for ice cream and there isn't any in the house." He says, " I'll go get some." She says, "Vanilla with chocolate sauce, with whipped cream on top and a cherry." She adds, "Please write it down, I know you'll forget." He says," I won't forget. Vanilla with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and a cherry."Away he goes. Hours later he comes back and hands her a paper bag. "In it is a "HAM SANDWICH".

She says,” I told you to write it down! You forgot the mustard."


A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"


Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. " I think my friend is dead" he yells. " What can I do?"

The operator says, " Calm down. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There's a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, " Okay now what?"


" Dad's a safety first kind of guy. But while vacationing with some buddies, he was talked into going parasailing. He was on the back of the boat, getting hooked into the parachute when he nervously asked the pilot, " How often do you replace the roape?"

The pilot replied, " Every time it breaks."


As I pulled into a crowded parking lot, I asked the cop standing there, " Is it all right to park here?"

" No" he said. " Can't you see the " NO PARKING SIGN?"

" What about all those other cars in there?"

He shrugged. " They didn't ask."


"The instructor of a paramedic certification class taught us to keep performing chest compressions until back-up arrived. "But if we can't keep going" a fellow student wanted to know, " Should we call 911?"

" Son" said the instructor, " You are 911."

Every ten years, the monks in a monastery are allowed to speak two words. Ten years go by and it's one monks first chance. He thinks for a second before saying,


Ten years later, he says, " BED HARD.

It's the big day tenyears later. He gives the big monk a long, hard stare and says " I QUIT "

" I'm not surprised" the head monk says. " You've been complaining ever since you got here. "

Three psychiatrists agree that people always come to them with their problems, but they have no one to go to with theirs; so they decide to listen to one another's deepest, darkest secrets.

The first confesses. " I'm a compulsive shopper, deeply in debt. So I over bill patients."

The second admits. " I have a drug problem and I pressure my patients into buying drugs for me.'

The third says. " I know it's wrong, but I just can't keep a secret."


Guy walks into a bar and sits at a table. Tells the waitress, "I'll have a Bloody Mary and a menu." When she returns with his drink, he asks "Still servin' breakfast?" When she says Yes, he replies, "Then I'll have two eggs-runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon ON END-well done on one end and still raw on the other, two pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee." Indignantly the waitress says, "We don't serve that kinda stuff in here!" Guy says, "Funny... that's what I had in here yesterday..."


Walking into a lawyers office, a man asked what his rates were. "Fifty dollars for three questions," the lawyer stated. "Isn't that awfully expensive?" the man asked?" "Yes," replied the lawyer. "What's your third question?"


Back in the pavilion, the batsman was talking to a team mate. 'I can't understand it,' he said 'The ball hit my head and the wicket-keeper caught it, but the umpire gave me out. His friend looked sympathetic. 'Sometimes they go by sound.'

Giving very odd excuses. The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I.jogged up to the General, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..." "Let me guess, " the General interrupted, "it broke down." "No, " said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

Cellphone on a Bench

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$65,000." MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!" MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"


A man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things around the house like he used to. When the examination was complete, he said "Now Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."


The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!" The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."


A duck walks into a bar and says, "Got any bread?" The barman says, "No, this is a bar, we don't have bread." So the duck says, "Got any bread?" The barman says, "No, this is a bar, we don't have bread. I told you that." "Got any bread?" asks the duck. "No, we don't sell bread here... and if you say that again i will nail you to the table!!!!" The duck pauses then says, "Got any nails?" "No," sighs the barman. So the duck says..."Got any bread?"


Got home from the pub at 3'o clock this morning. The wife was waiting at the door with a rolling pin. I said to her, 'what are you doing 'baking' at this time of the night ?


A man walks into a bar, orders the bartender for two beers. He continues this for several nights and the bartender got a bit curious. The bartender walks up to him and asks "Sir, why do you always ask for two drinks?" the man replies, "I used to come here with my best friend but now he's dead. And I'm drinking the second beer on his behalf." A few days later, the man orders only for 1 beer. Curious, the bartender asks him," why only 1 beer now sir?" man replies, "I have given up drinking!"


A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and (hold iron to ear) shhh! I accidentally answered the iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"


A guy's going on a business trip and he has to take his secretary with him, and she's really crazy about him. The first night on the Amtrak, she's in the top bunk and he's in the bottom bunk. She says, "Mr. Forsythe! Mr. Forsythe! I'm chilly! I think I need a blanket!" He says, "Miss Schmitt, how'd you like to pretend you're *Mrs.* Forsythe for a little while? She says, "Oh, I'd like that." He says, "Then get you own damn blanket."

2.SCARE ME?A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?"


A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf."The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"


A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They're appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings. Later, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy." "Oh, please, Mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

* *

Once a captain on his ship was disturbed by his assistant telling him, "Sir! Sir! There are 5 enemy ships on the horizon."The captain tells the man," Get my red coat and prepare for battle!"The assistant runs without question to get the captains red coat and prepares for battle. After their victory the assistant asks the captain why he wanted his red coat.The captain tells the assistant "If I was shot you would not be able to tell I'm bleeding and you would keep fighting." The assistant thought this was a great idea. The next day the assistant came to the captain, "Sir! Sir! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!"The captain was stunned. He looked at the assistant and told him "Get me my brown pants!"

Stop me if you have heard this one.

Two boys were playing cricket in the street. This always annoyed the man outside whose house they were playing and he ran out and accosted the one who was bowling. 'How many times do I have to tell you? I don't want you playing cricket outside my house! D'you understand?' The boy said nothing. 'I said, do you understand?' The boy remained silent and walked away. The irate householder turned to the other boy. 'He's not much of a talker, is he?''He's not much of a bowler either. He just put the ball through your window!'


A lord was entertaining some guests at his country estate and they were playing cricket. The lord was batting and his chief footman was the umpire. A guest bowled and plainly caught the lord l.b.w. They appealed to the footman, who said, 'Lord Melford ; is not at home.' 'What?' said the lord. 'Well, your lordship,' said the footman, 'to speak plainly you're out!'

The Devils challenged the Angels to a game of cricket.
"But we've got all the cricketers," said the Angels.
"Yes. But we've got all the umpires!" exclaimed The Devils.


Cricket Fan in the Office
A cricket enthusiast had three trays installed in his office labelled 'In' , 'Out' , and 'L.B.W.' .
A visitor remarked as he could see the significance of 'In' and 'Out' but what did 'L.B.W.' mean ?
And the cricket enthusiast replied : "Let the Bastards Wait."

How is she doing?
An anxious husband whose wife was expecting rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on. By mistake he dialed the number for Lord's Cricket Club.
The following conversation ensued.

"How's it going?" he asked."Fine," came the answer, "We've got two out already and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck.

The husband fainted.

" Hello... Hello..."


That's my mother in law
The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.
At the crease, he turned to the wicket-keeper and said 'I'm anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That's my wife's mother over there.'
'Don't be silly,' said the wicket-keeper. 'You'll never hit her at a hundred yards.

How is she doing
An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on. By mistake he dialled the number for Lord's.
"How's it going?" he asked.
"Fine," came the answer, "We've got two out already and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck.


There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim's Grocery Store. The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"


You've seen worse ?
The nervous young batsman was having a terrible time and was lucky to still be at the crease. During a lull, he stammered to the wicket keeper, 'Well, I expect you've seen worse players.'
First slip added 'he said I expect you've seen worse players.'
'I heard him the first time. I was just trying to think.'

An older gentleman was playing a round of golf. Suddenly his ball sliced and landed in a shallow pond. As he was attempting to retrieve the ball he discovered a frog who, to his great surprise, started to speak! "Kiss me, and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a week." He picked up the frog and placed it in his pocket. As he continued to play golf, the frog repeated its message. "Kiss me, and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a whole month!" The man continued to play his golf game and once again the frog spoke out. "Kiss me,and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours for a whole year!" Finally, the old man turned to the frog and exclaimed, "At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog!"


A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week. "Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."About half the class rose and came forward."The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark

First Time Cussers
A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man? "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"


A nun arrives at the local barJohn was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know this, Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so.""But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?""Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

A Bad Wish
Two happily married 60 year olds were on vacation when they came across a majic lamp. They rubbed it three times and a jeanie came out. The jeanie was willing to grant each person a single wish. The wife wished to travel around the world. Then "poof" a bunch of airline tickets showed up in her hands. The man thought about what he wanted to wish for. Hesaid to the jeanie,"I wish my wife was thirty years younger than me." Then "poof" he turned into a 90 year old man. What's the moral of the story?-Be careful what you wish for.

Practically a genius
On a shopping trip to the city, a backwoods farmer bought a 24-piece jigsaw puzzle. He worked on it every night for two weeks. Finally, the puzzle was finished.
"Look what I've done, Jess," he said proudly to a visiting neighbor.
"That's surely somethin', Willard. How long it take you?"
"Only two weeks."
"Never done a puzzle myself," Jess said. "Is two weeks fast?"
"Darn tootin'," Willard said. "Look at the box. It says, 'From two to four years.'"

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times.By the way, where is your restroom?"The bartender quickly replies -"The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."
That's quick thinking?

Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down"

six of this and half a dozen of the other ?

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife."Well I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went.""Well you're 75 years old now, Jack, why don't you take my brother Scott along?" suggested his wife."But he's 85 and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack."But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," his wife pointed out.The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack."Yup," Scott answered."Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance."I forgot."

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" She asked gently. "I think you bring me bad luck."

Title: The Talk
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had justopened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talkabout?'

STRANGER: 'Oh, I don't know,' 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

LITTLE GIRL: 'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - .Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

STRANGER: The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

sticks and stones may break my bones
but whips and chains
excite me
so tie me up
and smack my ass
and tell me that you like me *

I didn't get any money this timeA man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?" "My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000." "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000." "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed." "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad." "Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.

The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.

Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."*

A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much." The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff... church, church, church."

As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.

Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.

In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine,
"If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams


A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."


This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you're at it, have one yourself." "Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks. Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else." The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?" The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money." With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends.""I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marvelling at the guy's nerve."Not likely," slurs the guy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!"


Last Tuesday as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The soauared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes and says :

" Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies, " These are not pigs.. these are authentic Arkansas Razorback hogs.

I got one for Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes and says:

" Excellent trade, Sir."


Q: Should I cut down 0n meat and eat more fruits and vegetables.?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass ( green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get evenmore of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are the some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain..Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening...Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they are permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not. When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO cocoa beans. Another vegetable. It's the feel-good food around.

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey " Round is a shape"

Q: Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.


Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonay in in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WHOO HOO, WHAT A RIDE."

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, " Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water " says the priest.

The trooper says, " Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says,

" Good Lord He's done it again."


Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.

Struggling to his feet, he felt something running down his leg.

" Please Lord " he implored ,

" Let it be blood."

You've been drinking again.

An irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.

The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.

So, the Irishman stood up to leve fell flat on his face.

He tried to stand one more ; same result.

He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and may be that will sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.

So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.

Again, he fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,


Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing out he said,

" What makes you say that?"

" The pub just called;

You left your whelchair there again."

The IRS sends their auditor ( a nasty little man to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to Rabbi and says,

" I noticed that you buy a lot of candles'

" Yes " answered the Rabbi.

" Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings? " he asked.

" A good question," noted the Rabbi. " We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

" Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...

" Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo balls."

" Ah yes, " replied the Rabbi calmly, " We actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then they send a box of matzo balls."

" Oh " replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

" Well, Rabbi," he went on " What do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcissions?"

" Yes, here to, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. " What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS.

" To the IRS ?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.

" Ah yes ," replied the Rabbi, " directly to the IRS...And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you..."

Arab and Jew:

An Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises. Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. so the call went out to a number of countries. Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank-you card for giving his blood along with an expensive diamond and a new Rolls Royce car as a token of his appreciation.

Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a correcive surgery once again. And his doctors called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the arab sent the Jew a Thank You card and a box of Almond Roca sweets.

The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not acknowledge the Jew's kind gesture in the same way as he had done the first time. So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had his expressed his appreciation in not a very generous manner.

The Arab replied:

" Yahabibi... I have Jewish blood now, remember..? "

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

" I got my first impression of the parish fro the first confession i heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled fro his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.

As the days went on I learned that my people were not at like that and I had indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people".

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.

" I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived " said the politician. " In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession"

Moral: Never..Never..Never.. belate.

" This for my wife " the Bengali school teacher

Through the jongole I am went,
On shooting Tiger I am bent
Boshtaard Tiger has eaten wife
No doubt I will avenge poor darling's life
Too much quiet, snakes and leeches
But I not fear these sons of beeches
Hearing loud noise I am jumping with start
But noise is coming from damn fool's heart
Taking care not to be fright
I am clutching rifle tight with eye to sight
Should Tiger come I will shoot and fall him down
Then like hero return to native town
Then through trees I am espying one cave
I am telling self - "Bannerjee be brave"
I am now proceeding with too much care
From far I smell this Tiger's lair
My leg shaking, sweat coming, I start to pray
I think I will shoot Tiger some other day
Turning round I am going to flee
But Tiger giving bloody roar spotting this Bengalee
He bounding from cave like football player Pele
I run shouting "Kali Ma tumi kothay gele"
Through the jongole I am running
With Tiger on my tail closer looming
I am a telling that never in life I will risk again for my damn fool wife!

Sri Lankans in heaven.

The Angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said " I have to talk to you. We have some Srilankans up here in Heaven and they are causing problems.

They are swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing sarongs and saris instead of their white robes; they are riding Toyota Corollas, Nissan Sunny and privileged ones driving Prado and Mercedes instead of the chariots, and they are selling their halos to people for discount prices.

They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down midway drinking tea. Some of them are even walking around with just one wing and brewing illicit liquor.

The Lord said, " Srilankans are Srilankans. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about problems, give Satan a call."

Satan answered the phone, " Hello? Damn, hold on a minute." Satan returned to the phone, " OK, I am back. What can I do for you?"

Gabriel replied, I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there?"
Satan says, " Hold on again. I need to check on something."

After about 5 minutes, Satan returns to the phone and said, I'm back. Now waht was the question?"

Gabriel said, " What kinds of problems are you having down there?"

Satan says, " Man I don't believe this. Hold on."

This time Satan was gone at least 15 minutes. He returned and said, " I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. These Srilankans down here have put out the fire in hell and are trying to install air conditioning."


"And that's how the fight started."

One year a husband decided to buy his mother - in - law a cemetery plot as a Christnas gift. The next year he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied - " Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year."

And that's how the fight started.

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,

" I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, - " Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And that's how the fight started.

My wife was hinting about what she wanred for our upcoming anniversary.
She said - " I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.

I asked my wife, - " Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
" Somewhere I haven't been in a long time." she said.
So I suggested,- " How about the kitchen?"

And that's how the fight started.

My wife and I were watching " Who wants to be a millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, - " Do you want to have sex?"
" No" she answered.
I then said, " Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying " Yes"
So I said, - " Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's how the fight started.

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead she bought a cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's how the fight started.

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
" I'll have the strip steak, medium rare please."
He said, - "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's how the fight started.

During World War 11, Oscar Levant, the pianist and wit was asked by his draft board, " Do you think you can kill?"

He replied, "I don't know about strangers, but friends, yes."


" To this place, and the kindness of these people, I owe everything."
A favor- seeker once once came to Lincoln claiming that his efforts had made the crucial difference in the 1860 election.

" So you think you made me president? " Lincoln asked.

" Yes," the man said. " Under Providence, I think I did."

" Well", replied Lincoln, " It's a pretty mess you've gotten me into."

A pause.

" But I forgive you. "


What do retired people do all day.?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes; when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, " Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a f*******break? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a s-- head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally I didn't care. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I am retired.

It's important at my age.

As a young officer on the U.S.S. Midway, I was enjoying shore leave in Marseille. One day, I was invited to a local club to play tennis with two young French women and a Norwegian man, who spoke only rudimentary English.

After the doubles match, the Norwegian and I changed back into our street clothes and waited for the women to rejoin us.

" You fly?" he said to me.

I told him I was ship's officer, not a naval aviator. After a pause to take in my response, he tried again.

" You fly" he said slowly, " is open."

A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked:

" Are all of those kids yours ? "

He replied:

" No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints. "

*I weigh 150 pounds. All 150 pounds from neck down.

*My wife and I have three children. I am the oldest.

*I do not argue with an idiot in public; because any one watching will not see any difference.

*Abraham Lincoln responding to a request for a " sentiment " along with his autograph.

When you ask from a stranger that which is of interest only to yourself, always enclose a stamp. There's your sentiment, and here's your autograph.

*George Bernard Shaw inviting Sir Winston Churchill to an opening night performance of one of his plays.

Have reserved two tickets for my first night. Come and bring a friend, if you have one.

Churchill replied.

Impossible to come first night. Will come second night, if you have one.

*President Herbert Hoover in response to a child's request for his autograph wrote:

I was delighted to see that you were not a professional autograph hunter. Once upon a time, one of those asked me for three autographs. I inquired why. He said, " It takes two of yours to get one of Babe Ruth's "

*Dorothy Parker sent the following telegram to a friend who had just had a baby after enduring a long, widely publicized pregnancy:

Good work Mary. We all knew you had it in you.

*When the celebrated humorist Robert Benchley visited Venice, Italy, for the first time, he immediately dispatched a telegram to a friend. It has become a classic:

Streets full of water. Please advise.

*Abraham Lincoln:

One day... I got into a fit of musing in my room and stood resting my elbows on the bureau. Looking into the glass, it struck me what an ugly man I was. The fact grew on me and I made up my mind that I must be the ugliest man in the world. It so maddened me that I resolved, should I meet some one uglier than I am, I would shoot him on sight. Not long after this, Andy came to town and the first time I saw him I said to myself " There's the man." I went home, took down my gun, and prowled around the streets waiting for him. He soon came along.

" Halt Andy " said I, pointing the gun at him. . " say your prayers, for I am going to shoot you. "

" Why Mr. Lincoln what's the matter? What have I done? "

" Well. I made an oath that if I ever saw an uglier man than I am, I'd shoot him on the spot. You are uglier, surely; so make ready to die."

" Mr. Lincoln, do you really think that I am uglier than you? "

" Yes "

" Well, Mr. Lincoln " said Andy deliberately and looking me squarely in the face. " If I am any uglier, fire away "

* Three insurance companies on Main street.

The first one advertised " We insure you from the cradle to the grave."

Not to be out done the second insurance company claimed:

We will insure you " from the womb to the tomb."

The owner of the third insurance company ordered the accountant:

" Come up with a better slogan or else you are fired."

Worried he related his predicament to his wife.

The wife says, " as you know my family has always been in the construction business. Try this one " and so gives him an idea.

He goes to the owner. Owner asks " Have you got a slogan ? "

Charlie says " You see my wife's family is in the construction business... "

" I am not interested " " Have you a slogan? "

"Yes. We will insure you from erection to resurrection "

* Depressed for a long time. Went to see a psychiatrist in South Windsor. After one hour he says " Chandra looks at it this way. There are millions worse off than you."

Now I think ; worse off than me? And I am terribly depressed thinking about them.

A lawyer and an Italian are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Italians are so dumb that he could get over on them easy.. So the lawyer asks if the Italian would like to play a fun game.

The Italian is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me ony $5. You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500. he says. This catches the Italian's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. " What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Italian doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five - dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Italian's turn. He asks the lawyer, " What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Italian and hands him $500. The Italian pockets the $500. and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes up the Italian and asks, " Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The Italian reaches in his pocket , hands the lawyer $5. and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with Italians.

A royal personage was making a tour through his provinces and noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to his own exalted person. He beckoned him and asked: " Was your mother at one time in service in the palace? - No. your Highness, was the reply, but my father was."

A jew noticed the remains of some food in another one's beard. " I can tell you what you had to eat yesterday."
" Well, tell me."
" Lentils then"
" Wrong that was the day before yesterday"

I was so unpopular when I was little, even my imaginary friend played with the kid across the street.


A jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, " Please, God, save my only grandson. Bring him back."

And a big wave comes and washes the boy back into the beach, good as new.

She looks up to heaven and says,

" He had a hat."


Question: " How's your wife?"

Answer: " Compared to what?"


In wine there is wisdom; in beer there is freedom; in water there is bacteria.
Benjamin Franklin.

An armed and hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation. He then looks around the bank to see if any one else had seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Did anyone else see my face ? " calls the robber.

There is a few moments of silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, " I think my wife may have caught a glimpse."

Crushed Scrotum.

During service, a pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, " I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, " Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remains of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, " Now, Jim is out of the hospital and doctors say, with time his scrotum should recover completely.

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, " I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is "sternum"

Woman: What do you do?
Man: Oh' I write books.
Woman: How interesting. Have you sold anything recently.
Man: Why,yes. My couch, my car and my flat screen television.

Court in India.

Judge : " Raj, why were you beaten up in public? " What you did?"

Raj: Sir, I am innocent. "

Judge : " How can you say that?"

Raj: " Your honor, I was in crowded bus, my photo fell from wallet, so.....

I said to lady in front of me, " Aunty, please lift your Sari....

" I want to take photo."

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Barack Obama: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change.

John Mc. Cain: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all chickens on the other side of the road. Z..ZZZ.zzz.

Sarh Palin: Because Jesus, I was gonna shoot his sorry liberal ass for blocking my view of Russia.

Hillary Clinton: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

George W. Bush: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

Dick Cheney: Where is my gun?

Colin Powell: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with that chick. What is your definition of crossing?

Al Gore: I invented the chicken.

John Kerry: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it. It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

Anderson Cooper, CNN : We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

Pat Buchanan: To steal the job of a decent, hard working American.

Martha Stewart: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

Ernest Hemingway: To die in the rain alone.

Jerry Falwell: Because the chicken was gay. Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

Grandpa: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

John Lennon: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

Bill Gates: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only cross the roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash.

Albert Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Colonel Sanders: Did I miss one?

*Give him ( Bush ) 25 of the best.

1. "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."—Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

2. "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."—Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000

3. "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"—Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

4. "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country."—Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

5. "Neither in French nor in English nor in Mexican."—declining to answer reporters' questions at the Summit of the Americas, Quebec City, Canada, April 21, 2001

6. "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.''—Townsend, Tenn., Feb. 21, 2001

7. "I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the secretary of defense."—Washington, D.C., April 18, 2006

8. "See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda."—Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005

9. "I've heard he's been called Bush's poodle. He's bigger than that."—discussing former British Prime Minister Tony Blair, as quoted by the Sun newspaper, June 27, 2007

10. "And so, General, I want to thank you for your service. And I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq."—meeting with Army Gen. Ray Odierno, Washington, D.C., March 3, 2008

11. "We ought to make the pie higher."—South Carolina Republican debate, Feb. 15, 2000

12. "There's an old saying in Tennessee—I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee—that says, fool me once, shame on—shame on you. Fool me—you can't get fooled again."—Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

13. "And there is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I'm sorry it's the case, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it."—speaking on National Public Radio, Jan. 29, 2007

14. "We'll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America will be the pacemakers."—Houston, Sept. 6, 2000

15. "It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet."—Arlington Heights, Ill., Oct. 24, 2000

16. "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."—U.S. News & World Report, Jan. 3, 2000

17. "People say, 'How can I help on this war against terror? How can I fight evil?' You can do so by mentoring a child; by going into a shut-in's house and say I love you."—Washington, D.C., Sept. 19, 2002

18. "Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness."—CNN online chat, Aug. 30, 2000

19. "I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep on the soil of a friend."—on the prospect of visiting Denmark, Washington, D.C., June 29, 2005

20. "I think it's really important for this great state of baseball to reach out to people of all walks of life to make sure that the sport is inclusive. The best way to do it is to convince little kids how to—the beauty of playing baseball."—Washington, D.C., Feb. 13, 2006

21. "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."—LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

22. "You know, when I campaigned here in 2000, I said, I want to be a war president. No president wants to be a war president, but I am one."—Des Moines, Iowa, Oct. 26, 2006

23. "There's a huge trust. I see it all the time when people come up to me and say, 'I don't want you to let me down again.' "—Boston, Oct. 3, 2000

24. "They misunderestimated me."—Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

25. "I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office."—Washington, D.C., May 12, 2000

Extract from



( Taken from papers written by a class of 8 year olds.)

* A six year old was asked where his Grandma lived.
" Oh " he said, " She lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go to her, then when we're done having her visit. we take her back to the airport.

* They don,t say, " Hurry Up."

* Usually Grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

* They wear glasses and funny underwear.

* They can take their teeth and gums out.

* Grandparents don't have to be smart.

* They have to answer questions like " Why isn't God married?" and" how come dogs chase cats?"

* When they read to us they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story again.

* Everybody should try to have a Grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

* They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

* It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

The Microsoft Call Center in Bangalore.

Mujibar was trying to get a Microsoft Call Center job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.

Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The Manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words , Yellow, Pink, and Green.'.

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister Manager, I am ready'

The Manager said, 'Go ahead.'

Mujibar said, . 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at the Microsoft Call Center India. No doubt you have spoken to him.

I know I have!

There was a huge inauguration lunch with all the past presidents. There was a fight over who would pay the bill, but eventually they agreed they would just leave up to future generations.
Seth Myers , SNL.

George Bush picked up the check. Bill Clinton picked up the waitress. David Letterman.

At the lunch president - elect Obama was kind of awkward., because he didn't have any experiences or accomplishments to talk about as president. So, at least he and President Bush had something in common. Jay Leno.


In a second grade sex education class, a little girl asks,

Teacher, can my momma get pregnant?

The teacher asks , " How old is your mother?"

The little girl says, " Forty "

The teacher says, " Yes, your mother could get pregnant. "

The little girl asks, " Can my big sister get pregnant.?"

The teacher asks, " How old is your sister? "

The little girl answers, " Nineteen "

The teacher says, " Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant."

The little girl asks, " Can I get pregnant ? "

The teacher asks, " How old are you ?"

The little girl says, " I am seven years old."

The teacher says, " No, you can't get pregnant. "

The little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says,

" See, I told you we had nothing to worry about. "

Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming
sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.
However, soon the weather turned so cold that he
reluctantly started to fly South. In a short time, ice
began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in
a barnyard, almost frizen. A cow passed by and crapped
on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought that
it was the end. But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings.
Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

Moral of the story.

1. Every one who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.

2. Every one who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.

3. And, if your'e warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

A Southerner moves up North.

December 8,
5.00 p.m. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful....

December 9

We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again.

December 10,

It snowed and additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has dropped around 11. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplow vame by and did his trick again. Much of the snow now is brownish-gray.

December 11,

Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped agai. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. $145.00 to the chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.

December 12,

Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4 x 4 in order to get her to work. slid into a guardrail anyway and did a considerable amount of damage to the right rear quarter panel. Had another 8 inches of the white shit last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That goddam snowplow came by twice today.

December 13,

2 o outside. More f***ng snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid on ice on way to emergency room and was totaled.

December 14,

Goddam f***ng white shit keeps coming down. Had put on all the clothes we own just to get to the f***ng mailbox. If I ever catch the S.O.B. that drives the snowplow I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street about 100 MPH and buries our driveway again. Power still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in.

December 15,

More f***ng inches of f**ng snow and f**ng sleet and f""ng ice and god knows what other kind of white f**ng shit fell last night. I wounded the f**ng snowplow asshole with an ice ax but he got away. Wife left me. Car won't star. I think I'm going snowblind. I can't move my toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. wind chill 22 f***ng degrees. I'm moving back to Florida.

From the Reagan Diaries: Entry Dated May 17, 1986.

" A moment I've been dreading. George brought his n'er-do-well son around this morning and asked me to find the kid a job. Not the political one who lives in Florida; the one who hangs around here all the time looking shiftless. This so-called kid is already almost 40 and has never had a real job. Maybe I'll call Kinsley over at The New Republic and see if they'll hire him as contributing editor or something. That looks like easy work."

Once there was a small baby monkey stranded on a small island.
There was nothing on this island except dry grass and a single coconut tree with many coconuts.
One hot day, the dry grass caught fire.
The fire spread quickly and soon the whole island was on fire.
To escape from the fire the small baby monkey climbed uo the coconut tree, but the wind was strong and the fire was quickly working its way up the tree.
By now the tree and the monkey were surrounded by fire.

The question now is :


Think about it.

C'mon guess the answer......

What's the answer?


If a big monkey like you and me don't know the answer, how do you expect a small baby monkey to know.

The Sri Lankan Way.

There is a good old barber in London. One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies,

" I'm sorry I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service."

The florist is happy and leaves the shop.

Next morning when the barber goes to open the shop, there is a Thank You and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut.
But the barber replies: I'm sorry. I cannot accept money from you ... I'm doing community service.
The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning the barber goes to open his shop. There is a Thank You card and a dozen donuts are waiting at his door.

A Sri lankan goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut.
But the barber replies: " I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you.
I am doing community service."

The Sri Lankan is happy and leaves.

The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there?

Can you guess.

Try to guess.............

Come on. Think like a Sri Lankan.

One more attempt.

You got it.


My wife, a professor has published 5 books. After she'd written her latest one, I stopped at a market to buy some chocolate and champagne.

Are you celebrating something? asked the clerk as he bagged my items.

" Yes" I replied proudly.

" My wife just finished a book."

He paused a moment.

" Slow reader ?"


While prosecuting a robbery case, I conducted an interview with the arresting officer.

My first question.

" Did you see the defendent at the scene?"

" Yes from a block away " the officer answered.

" Was the area well lit ? "

No, it was pretty dark. '

Then how could you identify the dfendent I asked.

Looking at me as if I were nuts, he answered,

" I'd recognize my cousin anywhere."


The new bride wanted everything to be perfect for the Thanksgiving dinner as she was hosting her in-laws.

So she called the turkey hot line and said,

" I bought a 12 pound bird. How long does it need to cook?"

" Just a minute " said the hot line operator paging through her reference book.

" Thanks " said the bride as she hung up.

Lying on her death bed, a woman tells her husband of 60 years that he can finally open the chest at the foot of the bed, which had been off limits to him through their marriage.

Much to his surprise, he finds 3 ears of corn and $100.00 inside.

" Why are 3 ears of corn here ? " he asks.

" Every time I cheated on you, I put an ear of corn in the chest"

"I forgive you " said the husban.

" But what about the $100.00?"

Every time I got a bushel of corn I sold it' replied the wife.

Iranian President Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Obama and tells him," Bara
ck, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful counry, and on each house I saw a banner."

" What did it say on the banners?" Obama asks.

Mahmud replies, " United States of iran"

Obama says, " You know, Mahmud. I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I too had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

" What did it say on the banners?" Mahmud asks.

Obama replies, " I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."


A man hated his wife's and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

The next day, he decided to drop the cat blocks away but the same thing happened. He kept increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept coming home before him.

At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

An hour later ... the man calls his wife at home and asked her , " Jen is the cat there?"

" Yes , why do you ask?" answered the wife.

Frustrated the man said, " Put the damn cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions to reach home."


A man who smelled likea distillery sat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the dishevelled guy turned to the priest and asked, " say Father, what causes arthritis?"

" My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

" Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said nudged the man and apologised.

" I'm very sorry, I didn't come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

" I don't have it Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.


Feeling unappreciated ?

Read this from the New York Times.

Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for five days before anyone asked if he was feeling O.K. George Tucklebaum, 51 who had been employed as a proof reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers.

He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was working during the weekend.

His boss Elliott Wachiaski, said: " George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything. He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself.."

A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died.

You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally. The moral the story.

Don't work too hard. Nobody notices anyway.
I think you're the father of one of my kids.

A guy goes to the supermarket to get some groceries for his wife., and while strolling through the aisles he notices an attractive woman waving at him. He waves back, and continues filling up his cart.

A short while later, they are both in the check out queue. She smiles and says hello. He's rather taken aback because, though she looks familiar, he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, " Excuse me, ma'am, but do I know you ?"

To which she replies, " Why yes, I think your'e the father of one of my kids."

He is shell-shocked. Now his mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, " Oh God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet cellery???

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, " No, I'm your son's Kindergarten teacher."


During a visit to the mental hospital, I asked the Director " How do you determine whether or not a patient should be amitted to the hospital"

" Well" said the Director, " We fill up a bath tub, then we give a tea spoon, a tea cup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bath tub."

" Oh I understand, " I said. " A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

" NO " said the Director, " A normal person would pull the drain plug. Well...Do you want a bed near the window?"
Arab & Jew.

An Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises. Because the gentlemab had a rare type of b;ood, it could'nt be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank-you card for giving his blood along with an expensive diamond and a new Rolls Royce car as a token of his appreciation.

Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again. And his doctors called the jew who was more than happy to donate the blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank You card and a box of Almond Roca sweets.

The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not acknowledge the Jew's kind gesture in the same way as he had done the first time. So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not a very generous manner.

The Arab replied:

" Yahabibi..... I have Jewish blood now, remember...???

An old cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, " Hey you wanna hear a blonde joke ?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep husky voice, the woman next to him says, "
" Before you tell that joke, mister cowbo, I think it's only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things.

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The girl sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. And the lady on your right is blonde and a professional wrestler and Roller Derby champion.

" OK. now think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell us that joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second , smiles, shakes his head and mutters,

" NOPE......not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


Leave it to the Irish.

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

Murphy, I'm going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the cllinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients- can you manage?"

" Yes sir " Answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks; So Murphy. how was your day?"

Murphy told him he took care of three patients.

The first one said he had a headache so I gave him Paracetamol.

Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one? asks the doctor.

The second one had indegestion and i gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir, said Murphy.

Bravo,,Bravo,, You're good at this and what about the third one? asks the doctor.

" Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a ypung gorgeos woman borsts in, so she does.

Like a bolta outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything....and lies down on the table and shouts:

" HELP ME for the love of St. Patrick. For five years I have not seen any man."

" tunderin lard Murphy, What did you do? " asks the doctor.

" I put Visine drops in her eyes" said Murphy.

Smart Answer.

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate in florida to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said :

" Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."


A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads, " Talking Dog for sale " Intrigued he walks in.

" So what have you done with your life?" He asks the dog.

" I've led a very full life " says the dog.

" I've lived in the alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend days reading to the residents of a retirement home "

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog owner, " Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?"

The owner says, " Because he's a liar. He never did any of that."


An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling a sleep but the wife fell romantic and wanted to talk.

She said, " You used to hold my hand when we were courting,"

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, " Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said. " Then you used to bite my neck. "

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

" Where are you going ? " She asked.




Once during a Management training program, a team of Senor Managers were given an assignment to measure the height of a flag pole. So these Managers went out to the flag pole with ladders and tape.

They're falling off the ladders, dropping the measuring tape - the whole thing is just a mess.

An Engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flag pole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the Managers, re-erects the flag pole and walks away.

After the Engineer has gone, one Manager turns to another and laughs....

"Isn't that just like an Engineer? We're looking for height and he gives the length."



Child custody.

A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case. The problem was who should get custody of the child.

The wife screamed and jumped up and said, " Your Honor, I brought this child into the world with all the pain and labor. This child should be in my custody.

The Judge turned to the husband and said, " What do you say in your defence?"

The man sat for a while contemplating ...then slowly rose and said, " Your Honor, if I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a Pepsi comes out ... Whose Pepsi is it ?" .. The machine's or mine ?"

THE DEFINITION OF CHUTZPAH A little old Jewish lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel. And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him. "Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents."



At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver his speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it.

A guest seated next to the speaker said : " Your wife has sent you a KISS before you begin your speech. She might be loving you very much."

The speaker replied: " You little know my wife. The letters KISS stand for : KEEP IT SHORT STUPID.